Do you realize that your eating disorder has a personality? It wasn't until I was many years into my recovery that I realized that I had been calling my eating disorder a "HE" all that time. "IT" as I refered the ED - was male. I brought this up to my therapist one session. I'm sure he thought I was crazy, but he had been my therapist for 13 years, so he had already made his mind up about me by that time and I wasn't going to shock him by my statement.
Through out the years I had remembered myself always stating in therapy session how I felt like I was 12 years old...I was acting like I was 12....stating that my eating disorder was 12. Apparently, MY eating disorder has an age. Is this when my eating disorder started? I'm not sure. But this the the age I act when ED shows up.
Later on, I kept a blog during my recovery and as I wrote I also discovered that my eating disorder had a sense of humor. I try not to think IT is funny. Notice how I do not let myself become aquainted with the ED? I really distance myself from IT. I call IT "IT"...I don't become personal with the eating disorder..Call me crazy, but I'm not becoming friends with my eating disorder. I don't want to get chummy with IT. But IT definetly has a shape and a form and a personality like a real person. But not someone I care to hang out with. I need to be careful of him. I do believe I need to get to know him a bit better and explore who he is so I can recognize when he is around. It's true that I am a bit afraid of him and I want to turn that fear into awareness. Just like walking through an empty parking lot... you'd be fearful, but you'd be aware of any attackers nearby. I just need to be more aware of who my attacker is. I think if I can explore a bit more of my eating disorders' personality, I can figure out more about when he comes sneaking in.
I'm at the tail end of my recovery and I've hit every angle of recovery that I can think of. This is a new one for me. I'm willing to try this. I know I'm not alone in the fact that my eating disorder has a personality. Many have told me the same type of personalities that their eating disorders have. More often than not, these are also those well into their recovery. A lot of newcomers into recovery have asked, how do you know what your eating disorder's personality is? That is a good question. For myself, I didn't go looking for my ED to have one. That would not of made sense to me. It was after learning to seperate myself from my eating disorder that IT took on it's own shape and form. I suppose it took many years for IT to develope. I do know that I referred to the ED as "him". I've always refused to give him a name. Personally, I think years ago I was afraid of mentally sounding insane to anyone, including myself and my giving IT a name, I was just making him seem more real. I was almost in denial. These last few years of recovery, I know now that I haven't given IT a name because I'm protecting myself from becoming attached to IT. I've always known that there will be a day when I will leave my eating disorder because of many reasons and to give IT a name is just personalizing him more and making it more difficult to leave. Or at least one more reason not to leave sooner. I've emotionally detached without even knowing it. Still, IT thrived and grew into a actual personality with an age and a sense of humor even without naming him. Look how determined and strong the eating disorder is with trying to survive. That pisses me off. I've been trying my hardest to survive with this eating disorder the best way I know how, with all the tools I have learned and all the creative ways that I have thought up, all 13 years of intense outpatient therapy, trying to keep on top of the eating disorder and IT still has the nerve to find a home in my mind. This disease is so manipulative.
Okay, I've calmed down. Yes, I get angry about my eating disorder from time to time and I've learned to accept it at the same time. But one thing I determined is that I'm not going to give up trying everything I can creatively think of to fully recover.
I'm setting out to find my answers to my questions and am just interested to find out how common or uncommon the personality of my eating disorder is compared to others in general. I know I can learn some valuable insight to myself if I can understand a little more about the personality of IT. I don't know if I need to know anymore than I do...I may have enough information to work with, but I think I need to explore what I have and see how it fits in with who I am.
I need to be honest. I have a great fear of doing this for some unknown reason that I have not processed yet. Probably out of feeling like I have discovered a new mental illness or another new label to add to my list of existing labels I already have.
I know one thing that is for certain. I am not alone. In the beginning of my recovery if I would of realized that my eating disorder has a personality it would of frightened me. Perhaps it had not been developed yet. I don't know. But I know that many others have talked to me about their ed's personalities. I need to know more how others see their own. I want to publish a collection of stories about eating disorder personalities and what they are compared to who you are.
I'm looking for stories about YOUR Eating Disorder's personality. Who is your ed? Male or female? Does it have an age? It is angry? Does it have a sense of humor? What kind of personality does it have? Please keep length to one to two pages at the most. Email to eda.minnesota@hotmail.com *Looking for shorter descriptions/stories of personalities of YOUR eating disorder* If this makes sense to you and you feel your eating disorder was a well developed personality and would like to write about it and submit it for further possible publication, please email to: eda.minnesota@hotmail.com.
For an example, here is my short description for my eating disorder. (subject to change):
I am a 41 year old female but my eating disorder is a 12 year male who is very sneaky and manipulative. He can be very quiet and knows how to show up in the most unusual circumstances and does not give up. He is well beyond his years. He has a sense of humor that I often think is funny but try not to laugh at and uses that to get to me as part of his plan. He doesn't give up, but neither do I and it's a fight until the end. I think I am winning though because of the age difference. I'm growing up and out of it, while he's staying the same age and always has been. But he's so sneaky that he will find a way back in. I just need to be prepared for what ever he has planned. He can get me tired out but he is not going to win. I feel I have won the game but just need to be on the watch out, maybe forever. Which pisses me off. Guess I need to deal with that. I don't want to think he's funny any longer because I don't think eating disorders are funny. I don't want to laugh at certain jokes any more. These are jokes that I make myself about myself. It's him, actually making them. I laugh along at them because I think they're funny too...but the thing is, I don't think so any longer. I don't want to laugh at them any longer. They aren't funny. He's only 12..that's why he thinks they are funny.
You can remain anonymous! Thank you for sharing your short story/description. Not only is this helping you out, it can be helping out another person. Plus...what a good read! Thank you~
eda.minnesota@hotmail.com
